Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I Miss You!!!
Well, I got through yesterday without too much trouble and so I thought today I would just pay a small tribute to my hero. Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of my mom's passing. For the most part it went by as a pretty normal day but I did have a pretty heavy heart. My mom was my best friend, my mentor and counselor, someone who always encouraged me to be my best self and made feel like I was somebody important. She never missed one of my sporting events. My freshman year I had to fight with her to let me play football, she was dead set against it. She did not want me did get hurt and she didn't like the competitive nature of it, but she eventually relented. And she was my biggest supporter that entire year. She did this for all six of us. She may not have always agreed with our decisions but she always stood by us. She had a smile that could light up a room. She also had a dark side, unfortunately. But when she was happy there was no funner (she would be telling me right now that that is not a word) person to be around. She was an amazing listener. She was always more than willing to set aside her problems and listen to whatever I was struggling with and empathize. She never made me feel like what I was telling her was silly. I remember after my freshman year my girlfriend from the whole school year had broken up with me. I was heartbroken (being the big softy that I am). My mom was probably happy (she hated the girl) but she consoled and listened like always and took me out for ice cream. She was passionate. If she ever tried anything, it was with all she had. She LOVED music!! I'm glad I got that from her. We could sit together for hours and listen to all kinds of different stuff and talk about it. I treasured that time. Again, she was my hero and I miss her more than I could ever express. You would think it would get easier after ten years but for some reason it doesn't. Part of it may be the circumstances under which she died. As many may know she struggled with substance abuse almost her whole life. Part of this is why I admired her so much. I saw her hit total rock bottom a couple of times and then climb right out of it. She was so strong at times. But for the last few years of her life she was in an abusive relationship. Not physically, but emotionally. She was with someone for whom nothing was ever good enough. And for my mom, who already had a very low opinion of herself, this was almost unbearable. So she turned to alcohol. She was found in an alley with a bottle of vodka next to her. It's hard to have this be the last thing you hear about the person that you admire most in the world. But in a way I am also grateful for the struggles that my mom had because it has taught me the kind of person that I want to be. I was able to take the good and the bad from my mom's life and apply it to my own. And despite her shortcomings and weaknesses I still think she is the best person I've ever known. I miss you mom and I love you and I look forward to the day when we can be reunited.